The Challenges of Change

Why is it that change is so hard? Recently I've been working on the steps of change . . questioning the relationship between what we know and what we do (or do not do as it seems in so many cases). What is it about our personality that allows us to adapt to change . . or to fight it tooth and nail? Is it the situation . . or our age . . or the height or depth of the circumstances?

As one who studies the thoughts and feelings of women in context, I am always perplexed by our ability to resist change even when we "know" that life is dynamic and that growth demands flexibility. But most of us are so resistant . . and even when we do internalize the need to re-chart our course, we are such self-saboteurs . . hopelessly and seemingly helplessly clinging to old, outworn habits.

It is so difficult to work our way through the steps of change at the deepest level so that we can actually "wear" our new identity with a smile and a lighter step. Change requires that we re-focus our energies . . and most of us want that . . .but desire does not seem to make a dent past my first or second day (when I want to throw up my hands and cry for mercy or pity . . oh god, not that disheartening emotion again:(

So what is it in our personality that allows us to meet the challenge . . or even allows us to realistically recognize and evaluate the challeges? Age, support, belief in the possibility for our own success? A calendar? A check-in with someone else (a constructive mirror)?

As always, I'm listening . . .

Sounds of Love

This week (well actually the past few weeks) I've been struggling with my vision . . the retinitis pigmentosa that narrows my visual field to a little pindot on the right behind the subcapsular cataract sandbagging my central vision . . and on the left that caters to my right and pretends that schisms are just a part of the way things are..and so I've been having a little pity party :( Yes, I have them, too . . the Dr in the house, the intellectual, the philosopher. And Christ (yes, dad, that's a prayer:) . . I've really had enough! So I visited my favorite therapist . . Patty . . .she offers her salon chair in the corner . . a shelter against the onslaught of the outside world . .and she listens . . intent on every word. And it is the calm in her reply to my angst that gives me hope . .as she says, "we will never let you go through this all alone, I will always be here for you". And although I truly know that I am not alone . . my sisters, my daughters, my son, my mother . . and my bear.

And even as I share this tonight, it is not in grief . .although I have grieved and I'm sure my tears are not over . . but I write it in love for those who are willing to never let us walk alone . . to always be there with us and for us .. to love us even in our imperfection and our struggle to become whole again . . or to create that new place where we are more sure of our steps that we were before.

And so, for you, too . . I am here . . for my ability to hear is even keener now than it was before . . as always, I am still here . . listening

Grace and Goodness in a Chaotic World

Today I was reading (yesterday's paper :) and a few things struck me about the calamity of errors that are wreaking havoc in our lives. Story #1 was about "speedup" . . you know . . .must get more done in less time! It started in our workplaces as employers are requiring us to do more for less . . and so we began multitasking to keep pace (and to keep our jobs!). And yet, the more they required and we did, the more they have asked of us . . leaving precious little time for our families or our own personal time (god forbid) in which we rest, recharge, and create. We feel zapped . . because we are zapped! Research has shown that employers are actually asking us to do the impossible . . have you kept a time log lately of the hours you have put in on endless tasks? And this doesn't even take into account the loss of sleep or the persistent worry (did I remember to do everything I was asked, did I turn it in on time, is it my turn to pick up donuts for the early morning meeting?).

So what can we do? (Which brings me to Story #2.) This was an article about a woman who lost her job and she was divorced with children .. to feed, and clothe, and shelter. So in her attempt to control some of the chaos (which in her case now edges into personal speedup), she began to cook and bake everything from scratch . . even eventually buying chicks to raise so that she could have eggs and protein for chicken . . promoting the possibility for feeding the family on $100.00 week. . .although as I pointed out earlier (about the speedup), she now says that it does take up so much of her time that she no longer is a freelance writer or has time for personal creativity.

So, where are you in this picture? In my life, I have found that I am multi-tasking way more than I'd like . . writing notes fast and furious as "don't forget" memos free-float in-between the spaces of "got-to-do's". I have little time to create as I pound out work (and thank god, I love what I do:) . . and ponder our next meal.

I try to be mindful and meditate . . and I love hearing the voices of my children and grandchildren . . and touching base with my mom still reminds me that I have so many things to be thankful for . . .

What more could I ask for? What more do I pray for? What else is more important? But, we've got to work . . .and we've got to have food . . so I guess I'll pray for grace . . and God's goodness to shine on us all . . .

How about you? . . I'd love to hear . . as always, I'm still here and listening . .

Moving Forward

How do we move forward when we keep looking to the past? There is an old saying that if we keep doing it the same way, we are going to get the same results. But learning to do anything a new way is not easy since we've grown so comfortable doing it "like we used to do it". And so with every new endeavor there is uncertainty . . .and possibly fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear that we might risk what we're holding onto so tightly in this very moment (which has already passed). So for some of us, we must screw up our courage and choose to move past this place that is keeping us stuck.

Here's the basic question that each of us must ask ourselves.

What do I want most out of life?

Although each of us may have different ways of defining our desires, we've got to put something down before we can move anywhere . . so I'll begin with a few of mine.

I want to be productive, I want to give back, I want to be secure, I want to laugh, I want to be loved and I want to feel like I belong.

Now comes the difficult work . . because we can't just list what we want and be done with it (although I am always hoping the genie will pop out of the magic lamp and grant my wishes :)

Take each statement and break it down . . .

1) I want to be productive.

As you can see, it begins with me. I cannot just want it, I have to do it . . but it requires a bit more depth since I need to know which area of my life I need more productivity. Is it in clearing my work space or in getting past the dishes in the sink? How do I follow-through with one aspiration? By breaking it down into a manageable segment for each day.

2) I want to give back.

Now, this one is a tough one for me because I have so many areas where I feel like I might contribute . . and yet, before I can give back . . I must first give to myself. Sounds a bit selfish, doesn't it? And yet, when we think about it . . if we keep giving and giving and giving without renewal our attitudes and our behaviors will be lackluster . . and who needs any more of that? And so, I will begin to give back today by managing my body (good nutrition and some exercise), my mind (intellectual and/or motivational and/or creative input), and my spirit (connection to universal goodness and wonder).

So how are you beginning to move forward? What steps motivate you? Have you made your list . . or better yet, what have you achieved? Are you still stuck? (Don't worry, we've all been there . . and some of us go there frequently :) I'd love to hear . . since as always, I'm listening . . .

A Kick in the Rumpus

I have no idea whether I should post this in my therapeutic thoughts or in my ordinary women slot since I assume it is a problem that most of us have faced at one time or another (and for me, it seems to cycle round to shoot daggers in my direction way too often for my own comfort). This IT is apathy. I feel like I need a boost . . a kick in the rumpus . . a shot in the arm . . a winning lottery ticket . . or manna from heaven. And yes, I am doing my "attitude of gratitude" at least during some portions of the day . . but I am so drawn to the sofa, to want to put my head under the pillows. I want to shop (but have no money), I want to create (but feel no exuberance) . . so at least I will share. I know that someone out there will be listening (as I am willing, too) . . and I want you to know that you are not alone. And tomorrow, I promise . . for me and for you . . I will put one foot in front of the other and smile at myself as I move away from the mirror of self in this sorry state and walk it off, talk it out, stick my hands in the dirt, and possibly pick up a crayon and draw a new pair of shoes for the creative path. Can't wait to meet you there . . I'll be listening for your footsteps.

Fridays are Meant for Poetry

Our Lady of Perpetual Help

The burnt church up the street yawns to the sky,
its empty windows edged in soot, its portals
boarded up and slathered with graffiti,
oily layers, urgent but illegible.
All that can be plundered has been, all
but the carapace - the hollow bell tower,
the fieldstone box that once served as nave.
The tidy row of homes that line this block
have tended lawns and scalloped bathtub shrines.
Each front porch holds a chair where no one sits.
Those who live here triple lock their doors
day and night. Some mornings they step out
to find a smoking car stripped to its skeleton
abandoned at the curb. Most afternoons
the street is still but for a mourning dove
and gangs of pigeons picking through the grass.
Our Lady of Perpetual Help is gray,
a dead incisor in a wary smile.
A crevice in her wall allows a glimpse
into the chancel, where a sodden mattress
and dirty blanket indicate that someone
finds this place a sanctuary still,
takes his rest here, held and held apart
from passers-by, their cruelties and their kindnesses,
watched over by the night's blind congregation,
by the blank eyes of a concrete saint.

Copyright 2010 April Lindner . . Able Muse Anthology. . St. Petersburg Times

Looking for Light

Just a quick note for some spirit boosters :)

Being Thankful . . we used to call them "affirmations" . . oh my god, you can tell how old I am with that one :) However, when I'm feeling like I wanna sit in my own pity pool . .I have got to think about all those things I am grateful for . . and it's amazing that once I start this list it could go on and on . . and it always starts with . . dear god, thank you for my children . . .and their health and their spirits and their smiles . . and their children . . and their genuine love . . and thank you for letting me see their beautiful faces and share in their lives . . and well . . you can begin to see that this could take up my whole page . . so go ahead and begin to list your own . . .
________________
________________
________________

Keep Moving . . I always hate this one because I always feel like going in and lying on the sofa and taking a nap . .thinking I'll feel better (which I never do) . . and then I groan and squirm as I put on my tennis shoes or my swimming suit and head outside and put one foot in front of the other until . . .believe it or not, I'm moving . . and if I get nothing else done in the day . .at least I've done that . . and wow, my youngest daughter did all of those today in a triathlon and kudos . . .xo . . can she motivate me . . and can she move you . .(notice there are no lines for a list . . you're supposed to be out moving ;)

and . . if you're still here to finish before you head outside . .

Look ahead . . and catch a glimmer of where you want to go and what you want to accomplish . . even though we live in the present, there are often baubles of the future that can help us over those "bumps in the road" (thank you Mr. President :) . . so close your eyes and see the biggest and best . . why not reach for the stars . . I still believe we can touch them if we keep spiraling up . . .

And so as I'm reaching I remember some very touching words that continue to inspire and hold me and move me forward . ."I want to be far enough away to watch over you and close enough so that you can see my light" . . .(thank you dad:)

What's your inspiration . . share as you give thanks, keep moving and reach for the stars . . . I'm really listening . .

To Tell the Truth?

There's been so much in the news lately about sex and lies . . .but have you noticed that rarely has anyone mentioned that the real heart of the matter is: we don't tell the truth anymore. Matter of fact, we don't seem to tell the truth about anything . . .it's not socially or "politically correct". And from this sidestepping of words (perfected in the presence of our boss or our co-workers) we've adopted a very grey sense of truth. What used to be an uncomfortable feeling for telling a "little white lie" so we didn't hurt someone else has now become a dismissed or disregarded feeling . . conditioned away so that we don't even carry that discomfort into a conversation with our closest friend over coffee. We've "forgotten" it already . . until it doesn't even exist anymore and our ability to stretch, spin, and contort the truth to fit what we want to protect or promote is unconscionable if we allow ourselves to "think" about what we are doing.

And yet, with this comes the silencing of our inner selves . . our inner conscience . . about everything. When we cannot and do not tell the truth . . . nothing else is real, is it?

So where do we draw the line? What is acceptable to hide? When is it okay to lie? Is it alright for someone else to hurt us by omitting the truth?

I'm listening . . .

Choosing to Accomplish . . .Something

Both of my daughters and I have had several conversations lately discussing the choices that we make . . or our thrashing about over choices . . that seem to push us in one direction or the other. And I am so guilty about spending an inordinate amount of time in the "thrashing about" stage . . to the point that I have tons of great ideas and projects that never get off the ground!

So here I am, again, this morning trying to identify the ONE project that I will work on . . and to promise myself that I will follow through (at least until tomorrow :)

What I know is that life does get in the way . . and I certainly don't want to be the one with one toe sticking up out of the ground saying "well, I was dedicated to my project . . so sorry I missed the chance to gab with you today . . or to throw back my head with laughter . . or to listen to your worries . . or to soothe your furrowed brow".

So, even as no one is in need this morning (other than me with my project deadline), I am torn between savoring the moment of the day and sticking my nose back into my research . . .

I'd love for you to help me out of my dilemma . . I'd much rather chat or listen . .

Re-Defining . . A Continuous Process

Yesterday it occurred to me that, once again, I am in the midst of questioning who I am and what I am doing. And . . it occurs to me (even as I'm writing this) that possibly I've spent my entire life re-defining my goals, re-adjusting my sails, adapting. . and maybe that is exactly what we are supposed to be doing our whole entire lives . . after all, we are dynamic human beings. . .twisting, wiggling, and squirming within the constraints of societal expectations to be unique, to make our mark on the earth . . to say we were here and to have someone else confirm that it was worth having us in their lives. We are forward thinking, we are feeling, we are motivated . .and yes, sometimes we are even stuck. But the truth is that re-defining may be more of a process of refining . . putting flourishes on what seems to be mundane and discovering a niche that catches the light and sets our spirits soaring again.

When I study the theorists, I always think of Abraham Maslow's proposals for self-actualization . . the inherent drive within that urges us to find the best in ourselves and in others . . to become the best we can be . . and in doing so, delight in those "peak experiences" . . those moments of transcendence and peace. And yet, I believe there is more . . that we can develop a pattern of reflection and introspection . . so that re-defining and refining becomes a continuous process . . . of delightful flourishes . .

So today, I have crinkled my nose in that scrunched up way I do when I smile . . and I noticed that my eyes are twinkling a bit . . I've been teaching and reading and swimming . . exercising my mind and body . . creating and speculating. Re-defining what I want from life and in the process, refining who I am. What flourishes have you created in your life lately? If I looked into your eyes . . would I see the sparkle? I'm here and I'm listening . . .

Finding Time for The Good Stuff

OMG! It's 2:20 PM and I've been moving from one item of needed attention to the next since 5:30 AM. Yes, I've had my coffee and done my dishes in between . . .but what I'd really like to do is read . . .or talk with someone about a good book . . .or dissect the latest Yahoo gossip buzz . . or swim. But I know that if I don't keep with it for a bit longer, before long my mind will be saying "uh-uh, no-more" . . and I will be done. So how do we find the time to fit in the good stuff before we're too tired to enjoy it?

I'm open for suggestions? . . Go ahead . . .I'm listening . . .

A Child's Gift of Love

Today is my middle child's birthday . .and I woke up to the sweet memory of my huge rounded belly (clad in brightly colored a tie-dyed shirt) . . my smiling face as I mugged to the camera in the kitchen leaving for the hospital . . and the noisy suckling of this dark headed beauty as she nuzzled in close to become one with me on that afternoon 34 years ago. Amazing, aren't they . . .those children who at once are a part of us and in the same instance are individuals completely separate and unique. I am awed by this process of motherhood . . linking me forever to the lives of three undeniably smart, funny, and successful children (now adults). And although I am proud of who they have become . . and as they continue to flourish . . I am also drawn back in to reflect on the influence they have had on my life (a life I never would have had without them). I am humbled by the precious gift of love . . true love, unconditional love, sticky-gooey kisses . . dirt encrusted nails . . tangled hair, creatively shaved heads . . earring piercings and tattoos. Love. For them, I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps (more times than I sometimes care to remember) . . as they have prodded and nudged me to become who I am, too. And so, on this day I once again will put myself to my work . . to create, to grow, to flourish . . as their love nurtures me . . in ways that no matter what I write can never be captured. But for them . . and for me . . and for those of you who are mothers (and fathers). . you will understand. The stories . ..those lessons we learn from our children are gifts of love . .and for me, they trump all others. How as your child's gift of love changed you? I'm here . . I'm listening . . .

Peacefulness in Everyday Living

What is it about everyday living that makes peacefulness and contentment so difficult? Well, for me, it is the fact that I don't live on an island alone and isolated from others (which is a good thing in the long run) . . and yet, it is that very same fact that often causes us to get caught up in someone else's plans and/or drama. I have found that when I get time for reflection, in the pursuit of self-awareness, my mind rarely stays in "my own backyard". In quiet time, I find that my mind wanders to what my children and grandchildren are doing . . to thoughts of my mom . . to immediate needs of the day or week or month. For me, these relationships are so important . . .and yet, I know that unless I ground and center in my own life, I can be of no real assistance to others. Years ago, I studied meditation and during times of chaos, I would turn off my mind to the external and use focused deep breathing to access my internal self. I used visualization and active imagination to go within. In this practice I could still my racing thoughts and see myself as strong and resilient . . .so that when I returned to my daily tasks, I felt refreshed and peaceful. What are some practices or techniques that you have used to access your inner self? When you are still and can hear your own inner voice, does it provide you with strength and renewed purpose? How is it that you find peacefulness in everyday living? I'd love to hear your thoughts . . .I'm listening :)

I Dwell in Possibility

I dwell in Possibility--

A fairer House than Prose--

More numerous of Windows--

Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--

Impregnable of Eye--

And for an Everlasting Roof The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of Visitors--the fairest--

For Occupation--This--

The spreading wide my narrow Hands

To gather Paradise--


Emily Dickinson (#657)

Walking: A Great Time for Personal Reflection

I didn't want to have to walk today . . .I've got so many things on my "to do" list (who doesn't) that it seems ridiculous to stop everything, put on my tennis shoes and "waste" an hour. Wow! I can't believe the warped old thoughts that still plague me and often keep me from changing :) But it is so true! I can easily waste an hour surfing the net (keeping up with blogs takes a ton of time) . .and then there are shoes on the Nordstrom and Zappos sites . . and what about reading the Yahoo headlines for the latest fashion faux-pas? The truth is, I need to focus on where I am going in these next few months with my life . . am I working toward my goal of giving AND receiving? Am I putting in the hours to let my creative spirit soar? Am I really listening to inner self and to the voices of others? As you can see, I really need to walk! I'm headed outside where the breezes rustle through the tree branches, where the birds call to each other and respond, where the squirrels race through the twigs and tree stumps. I'm headed out to ponder and set myself free :) What about you? Do you find that you are more content, more willing to give of and to yourself when you have spent time in reflection? Share your walk with me . . I'm listening :)

Keep Me Fully Glad

II

Keep me fully glad with nothing. Only take my hand in your hand.
In the gloom of the deepening night take up my heart and play with it as you list.
Bind me close to you with nothing. I will spread myself out at your feet and lie still.
Under this clouded sky I will meet silence with silence.
I will become one with the night clasping the earth in my breast.
Make my life glad with nothing.
The rains sweep the sky from end to end. Jasmines in the wet untamable wind revel in their own perfume. The cloud-hidden stars thrill in secret.
Let me fill to the full my heart with nothing but my own depth of joy.

Rabindranath Tagore . . . June 1913

The Way Our Words Shape Us

Have you ever thought about the fact that the words we use to describe ourselves might influence who we actually become? And are those words what we really want to be? I hear so many women describe themselves as bitchy or depressed or tired all the time . . but rarely do I hear them say how fabulous they are . . and I guess it's a thin line between wanting to promote our most positive self and being conceited. But if we don't give ourselves an opportunity to be great . . who will? I was thinking of this earlier today in the context of writing characters (for a memoir, a novel, a short story). When I'm creating this character, I usually start by describing what they look like from the outside first . . I mean, after all, this is how we see each other! And if we think about the contradiction . . . we describe ourselves from the inside . . and this self-talk may well be shaping what we are seeing in the mirror. So today, I'm beautiful :) When I close my eyes and see myself . . I want to see that first! How about you? Give it a try and let me know how you feel!

Searching for the Right Direction

For the past few days I've been contemplating this thought . . how do we ever really know what it is we're supposed to be doing with our lives? Is there really a right path . . or do we just bobble around until we accidentally (or providentially) fall into the place where we're supposed to be? For me, I think the answer is often far more complicated that what I wished to wonder. If I took the scientific high road, I'd say that some of us are born driven and extroverted while others of us are slower-paced and introspective . . .an open, non-biased playground of "circles and squares". But, I'm not sure this broad oasis gets me where I want to go . . which is moving in a purposeful direction (since I'm bored with swinging and hanging upside down on the monkey bars :) So, I'm looking at the externals. . .What moves us? What prods us to become motivated to seek purpose? And I'm curious . . I'd like to provide the answer, but I don't know what it is. . .because although there are many differing psychological theories out there . . .I think purpose is different for each one of us. And once we define it, then how do we get there? Where do we get stuck (leaving us searching for the right direction)? So, I guess this post is for both of us . . for you my readers and for me . . . I'll put the questions out there . . I'd love to hear what you think and how you feel. What motivates you? How do you get unstuck? . . .and . . How do you know you're moving in the right direction?

Sister Love

Today is Thursday . . a day of sharing with my sisters . . .a day where we chat on the phone. . .a day that we set aside . . .a day of love. A couple of years ago, the crises of family life seemed to be falling down around our shoulders as my sisters and I were pushed and pulled into one roiling trauma after another. Our old maiden aunt was dying . . and then did pass away. Our father's behavior was erratic, childlike in one moment to angry in another, as Alzheimer's diminished his aging graces and we scurried in nerve-ending frenzy to make certain he did not fall or fail in the company of others. My niece was pregnant with an abnormal chromosomal marker screening (turned out to be twins), my nephew was heading off to college (which he did and then returned) and I was screeching insane with the reality of my husband's affair just revealed (the scars of which I have tucked away, but still linger). And in the midst of all of that . . .my sisters and I fell into the arms of each other and learned how to become resilient. Through those terrible days and weeks which turned into months of prolonged heartache when my father fell on the ice, broke his leg, had a massive heart attack and left us all to grieve his death . . .my sisters and I rediscovered each other and became stronger than we ever were before. We found comfort in the ordinary . . in our commoness of struggle . . .in our search for meaning and explanations . . we spoke with and to each other. In whispered tones and in shouted emotion . .amidst hot tears and cold shoulders and bellyrolls of socially inappropriate laughter . . we survived in the warmth of each other's arms and voices. It is a bond that is so deep and so strong . . . and so beautiful. It's Thursday. Have you talked to your sister today? Have you told her lately just how much you love her?

A Day of Contentment. . Reflecting on the Ordinary

Today has been one of those days where nothing has been spectacular . . and yet, it hasn't been a disaster either. The sun is shining, there's a warm breeze, and the dog is curled up sleeping at my feet. I miss my grandbabies . . but I'm going to see them in a few days, so I let that thought pass. I didn't exercise yesterday (because I was cooking like crazy for a block party) and it's likely I won't break a sweat today (because I've got papers to grade), so I'm letting that thought go. Poof! I smile, sit back in my rocker and think, wow, this is the life. I have lived so many days hurrying or scurrying . . .or sitting and waiting . . .or wishing and dreaming. Rarely do I live my days in the present (although I hear it's all the rage :) But occasionally, I am blessed with these moments of contentment. And I'm going to savor these. The slight breeze that rustles the spring green leaves on the trees. The soft tickle of Ava's fur against my bare feet. The perfect brew of hazelnut and sumatra loaded with half and half that I savor with a languorous sip. What perfectly ordinary moment carries you away and fills you with contentment?

Sometimes We Just Need to be Heard

A few days ago I was spouting off . . letting go of some of the irritations that had been building up (too much to do, not enough time to do it . . .trying to meet everyone else's needs before I tended to my own). I had cooked enough food for an army, gone to the grocery store for the 3rd time in a week, run the vacuum, fixed the belt that slipped off the beater brush, done my 4th load of laundry for the day, and taught 2 classes. This is the truth . . no exaggeration. I had tried stomping it off by walking until my shins and heels hurt. And I was still ticked. So I was trying to talk it out . . .but the person who was supposed to be listening didn't hear what I was really saying. Matter of fact . . he said I was whining. Ouch! When I was sharing this story with my hairdresser (who of course feels like my own personal therapist :) . . she totally understood. Because she really listened. She didn't need to tell me to take a break or do something nice for myself. She didn't tell me to buzz off or to get a grip. She let me talk . . and she listened. Probably because she had been there. I think we all have been there. And we all get over it. But wouldn't it be nice if we could just let loose when we've had enough . . .spew it out . . and be done with it rather than having to hold it in and pretend like everything is ok . . like we're saints (or trolls). Why is it that our society expects us to take whatever comes along and be happy, cheerful little women (with our make-up perfectly applied and dressed in the latest fashion and heels)? Well, I'd like to say that I'm over it . . but as you can see, I'm still mulling it over. And I'm wondering what you think . . . I'm looking for positive women role-models throughout history (and a few in recent history would be nice, too) that might give us a boost up. Who, in your life, has listened and lifted you?