Keep Me Fully Glad

II

Keep me fully glad with nothing. Only take my hand in your hand.
In the gloom of the deepening night take up my heart and play with it as you list.
Bind me close to you with nothing. I will spread myself out at your feet and lie still.
Under this clouded sky I will meet silence with silence.
I will become one with the night clasping the earth in my breast.
Make my life glad with nothing.
The rains sweep the sky from end to end. Jasmines in the wet untamable wind revel in their own perfume. The cloud-hidden stars thrill in secret.
Let me fill to the full my heart with nothing but my own depth of joy.

Rabindranath Tagore . . . June 1913

The Way Our Words Shape Us

Have you ever thought about the fact that the words we use to describe ourselves might influence who we actually become? And are those words what we really want to be? I hear so many women describe themselves as bitchy or depressed or tired all the time . . but rarely do I hear them say how fabulous they are . . and I guess it's a thin line between wanting to promote our most positive self and being conceited. But if we don't give ourselves an opportunity to be great . . who will? I was thinking of this earlier today in the context of writing characters (for a memoir, a novel, a short story). When I'm creating this character, I usually start by describing what they look like from the outside first . . I mean, after all, this is how we see each other! And if we think about the contradiction . . . we describe ourselves from the inside . . and this self-talk may well be shaping what we are seeing in the mirror. So today, I'm beautiful :) When I close my eyes and see myself . . I want to see that first! How about you? Give it a try and let me know how you feel!

Searching for the Right Direction

For the past few days I've been contemplating this thought . . how do we ever really know what it is we're supposed to be doing with our lives? Is there really a right path . . or do we just bobble around until we accidentally (or providentially) fall into the place where we're supposed to be? For me, I think the answer is often far more complicated that what I wished to wonder. If I took the scientific high road, I'd say that some of us are born driven and extroverted while others of us are slower-paced and introspective . . .an open, non-biased playground of "circles and squares". But, I'm not sure this broad oasis gets me where I want to go . . which is moving in a purposeful direction (since I'm bored with swinging and hanging upside down on the monkey bars :) So, I'm looking at the externals. . .What moves us? What prods us to become motivated to seek purpose? And I'm curious . . I'd like to provide the answer, but I don't know what it is. . .because although there are many differing psychological theories out there . . .I think purpose is different for each one of us. And once we define it, then how do we get there? Where do we get stuck (leaving us searching for the right direction)? So, I guess this post is for both of us . . for you my readers and for me . . . I'll put the questions out there . . I'd love to hear what you think and how you feel. What motivates you? How do you get unstuck? . . .and . . How do you know you're moving in the right direction?

Sister Love

Today is Thursday . . a day of sharing with my sisters . . .a day where we chat on the phone. . .a day that we set aside . . .a day of love. A couple of years ago, the crises of family life seemed to be falling down around our shoulders as my sisters and I were pushed and pulled into one roiling trauma after another. Our old maiden aunt was dying . . and then did pass away. Our father's behavior was erratic, childlike in one moment to angry in another, as Alzheimer's diminished his aging graces and we scurried in nerve-ending frenzy to make certain he did not fall or fail in the company of others. My niece was pregnant with an abnormal chromosomal marker screening (turned out to be twins), my nephew was heading off to college (which he did and then returned) and I was screeching insane with the reality of my husband's affair just revealed (the scars of which I have tucked away, but still linger). And in the midst of all of that . . .my sisters and I fell into the arms of each other and learned how to become resilient. Through those terrible days and weeks which turned into months of prolonged heartache when my father fell on the ice, broke his leg, had a massive heart attack and left us all to grieve his death . . .my sisters and I rediscovered each other and became stronger than we ever were before. We found comfort in the ordinary . . in our commoness of struggle . . .in our search for meaning and explanations . . we spoke with and to each other. In whispered tones and in shouted emotion . .amidst hot tears and cold shoulders and bellyrolls of socially inappropriate laughter . . we survived in the warmth of each other's arms and voices. It is a bond that is so deep and so strong . . . and so beautiful. It's Thursday. Have you talked to your sister today? Have you told her lately just how much you love her?

A Day of Contentment. . Reflecting on the Ordinary

Today has been one of those days where nothing has been spectacular . . and yet, it hasn't been a disaster either. The sun is shining, there's a warm breeze, and the dog is curled up sleeping at my feet. I miss my grandbabies . . but I'm going to see them in a few days, so I let that thought pass. I didn't exercise yesterday (because I was cooking like crazy for a block party) and it's likely I won't break a sweat today (because I've got papers to grade), so I'm letting that thought go. Poof! I smile, sit back in my rocker and think, wow, this is the life. I have lived so many days hurrying or scurrying . . .or sitting and waiting . . .or wishing and dreaming. Rarely do I live my days in the present (although I hear it's all the rage :) But occasionally, I am blessed with these moments of contentment. And I'm going to savor these. The slight breeze that rustles the spring green leaves on the trees. The soft tickle of Ava's fur against my bare feet. The perfect brew of hazelnut and sumatra loaded with half and half that I savor with a languorous sip. What perfectly ordinary moment carries you away and fills you with contentment?

Sometimes We Just Need to be Heard

A few days ago I was spouting off . . letting go of some of the irritations that had been building up (too much to do, not enough time to do it . . .trying to meet everyone else's needs before I tended to my own). I had cooked enough food for an army, gone to the grocery store for the 3rd time in a week, run the vacuum, fixed the belt that slipped off the beater brush, done my 4th load of laundry for the day, and taught 2 classes. This is the truth . . no exaggeration. I had tried stomping it off by walking until my shins and heels hurt. And I was still ticked. So I was trying to talk it out . . .but the person who was supposed to be listening didn't hear what I was really saying. Matter of fact . . he said I was whining. Ouch! When I was sharing this story with my hairdresser (who of course feels like my own personal therapist :) . . she totally understood. Because she really listened. She didn't need to tell me to take a break or do something nice for myself. She didn't tell me to buzz off or to get a grip. She let me talk . . and she listened. Probably because she had been there. I think we all have been there. And we all get over it. But wouldn't it be nice if we could just let loose when we've had enough . . .spew it out . . and be done with it rather than having to hold it in and pretend like everything is ok . . like we're saints (or trolls). Why is it that our society expects us to take whatever comes along and be happy, cheerful little women (with our make-up perfectly applied and dressed in the latest fashion and heels)? Well, I'd like to say that I'm over it . . but as you can see, I'm still mulling it over. And I'm wondering what you think . . . I'm looking for positive women role-models throughout history (and a few in recent history would be nice, too) that might give us a boost up. Who, in your life, has listened and lifted you?