Shifting Identities

This morning when I looked in the mirror (yes, I had to get really close to be able to see without my reading glasses :) . . I began to see that I am really changing . . my eyebrows no longer have a full arch (yes, too overplucked for too long). . my lip color has washed to a paler pigment . . the dark circles under my eyes defy the highlighting concealer. .

And yet, I'm going to say it here. . . I still have a definite "look" . . an identity that is uniquely my own.  We all do . . and yet, so many times, we fail to own it.  There are so many days I run around the house in my jammies and a tee . . waiting until I've done my work before jazzing up.  Unfortunately, when I get in a rut . . I never get around to "jazzing" up.  So, if I have to run to the store or run an errand . . well, I tell myself, "no one will notice".  But the truth is, I do.  When those days roll one into another, I feel rumpled, inside and out. . . and I bet my face looks "rumpled", too.

. . .all of this has to do with my shifting identity . . .and if you can relate, yours is probably shifting, too . .

In order to take ourselves seriously . . and to get anything done. . . we have to have an identity (which then also, by context, gives us purpose).  However, just like my changing face as I am ever-so-slightly-getting-older. . .my identity is shifting, too.

In order to define who I am and what I am going to take on . . I've got to choose something and stick to it.  My process and purpose has to be meaningful.  .  . and yet, it only has to make sense to me (however, the caveat here is that it has to be defined and real within myself).

"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique.  And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.  The world will not have it.  It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions.  It is your business to keep it yours, clearly and directly, to keep the channel open". . Martha Graham

And so for me, today, I am "jazzed up" early :)  I am dressed and ready to work.  I have a mission (and a purpose).  And I'm on track.  Open . . and listening . . .still.

Running Away

Why is it that when things are tough, we want to run away?  I've been thinking a lot about this lately . . as have some of my friends.  I am pretty sure it has to do with this instinctual search to protect ourselves. . to find a place where we can retreat from the seemingly constant barrage of needs.  My editor "needs" this today, I "need" to go to the store (and start dinner), "need" to pay the bills . . . and "need" to make certain everyone else's needs are met (which is what creates most of our angst).

And so, when we become overwhelmed (after trying to dig out for weeks/months/years) . . we throw up our hands.  I am never sure whether we give up because we run out of options or run out of energy. . but none-the-less, we choose to flee. . rather than waving the white flag of surrender.

And, I'm thinking maybe this is a good thing :)

After all, if we can run away for a bit (whether to our sister's or to the water's edge), we retain the possibility to find peace in this quiet space.

We cannot "fix" anything other than ourselves.  We know this. . even though we refuse to accept it (over and over).  And the longer we continue to try and fix someone else, it is really just a way that we have to escape working on our own needs. . whether they are painting our toenails or pulling weeds.  And I'm totally convinced that when we give ourselves permission to "run away" . . .we will be taking the first step to beginning again.

I am totally convinced that we have the power to endure . . to flourish. If we can get out of our own way.  And for me, sometimes the best way of seeing is to talk it out, write it out, dance it out, cry it out.  And so, just for today . . I'm running away (with friends :)

Tomorrow, I'll be back . . listening . . .as always . . .