Small Good Things

This has been a spectacular month . . one of sensory delights (squiggling, sparkly-eyed, nuzzling children; gem-toned tulip promises; precious I-Love-You's in real-time; scrumptious Batman-Birthday-Cake; and the salty-sea air of home) . . and of continued amazing graces (family, laughter, health, and work).  Small Good Things.


I am not the same woman I was two years ago, last year . . or even six months ago when I held stubbornly to the belief that I "knew" the answers would come . .  that if I was good enough, listened close enough, believed hard enough . .then I could hold the keys to the kingdom.  I would be whole.  I would have everything I ever needed to survive, to be happy.  And although I noted the Small Good Things when I wasn't busy looking for the Major Jackpot (and I don't even play:) . . I was preoccupied with certainty.  I needed to know that I would be okay .. that economic security could be wrapped up in a neat little package, that I would still see tomorrow the same things that I saw today, that I could intellectualize my way out of an emotional squeeze. 


And then I began to see Small Good Things . . speckles of life, sparkles of hope.  


A soft peach cotton shirt, a smile from forever, holding hands, noshing pastries, sipping coffee, sharing tidbits.  


I am in transition . .or maybe it is translation.  The beauty of life is unfolding right in front of those little windows of light that still allow me to see.  Small Good Things.


"I humbly opened my hand . . . I let go.  Lay the hand open.  The sun slides across old hairline scars.  My palm holds light."

"Monster" Perceptions: From Failure to Flow

If you're anything like me (poor thing) you understand how it's so easy to get up in the morning with a list of ideas to jot down, tasks to accomplish, and a good book to finish . . and of course, the walk or jog to keep the fat devils at bay.  And each morning as I get up, I believe I can get it all done . . along with a load of laundry and a top-of-the-stove-skillet dish of some yummy concoction.  I never get it all done (of course!) and then I feel like I've failed.

Failure.  A horrible word.  A horrible feeling.  And I've done it to myself  . . even though it's very easy to blame someone else. . .the interruptions, the phone, the can-you-help-me-figure-this-out requests, and/or my real job of teaching and practicing the art of therapy.

However, this evening I'm reflecting on the possibility that my failure is not horrible . . that failure in the face of persistent perfectionism could possibly be a blessing!  For me, this is an idea worth jotting down :)
 

Our perceptions about who we are and what we are supposed to do in life come from years of measuring ourselves against an external world . . their values and ideals. And yet, when is the last time you asked yourself what you wanted from life? I want to dance. I want to rumba, samba, and jive:)  I want to experience movement and flow.  . . a flourishing life.  And in this moment, it seems, I need to gently re-frame my "monster" perceptions.

Flow is a sense of "effortless action" that leads to an internal sense of positive self-worth.  According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Finding Flow), we flourish when  we fully engage to overcome a manageable challenge. . we are drawn into the process  . . there is no room for distraction or fear of failure.  So flow is a process . . not a perception.  It is dynamic . . it is never perfect. . . it moves to the challenges.  When I think of flow, I immediately think of water that glides over and around and through . .teardrops and raindrops and dewdrops.  Uninhibited, unimpeded. . .flow.  The dance of life.

What are your challenges . . your "monster" perceptions?  How do you move and flow?  Share in the dance of life . .. I'm listening . . .

Paying Attention to the Positives

Yesterday was one of those days that felt like I just couldn't lift myself out of the doldrums.  It seemed like everything was gray . . and might stay that way forever.  On those kinds of days, I forget about all of those things that are beautiful in the world . . and how lucky I am to be healthy and active . . to be loved and have the capacity to share love. . . and to be happy for the gifts in life that lift me up and nudge me forward.

These past few weeks I have been really thinking about resilience . . leading me to wonder if there are specific things we can do to promote more positive energy in our life.  How do we find gratitude, contentment and joy when it seems as if we are sitting in Job's lot?  

My friend, Patty, suggested the book, One Thousand Gifts (Ann Voskamp) . . and so as I searched the web for a preview, I found her website, too . . a comforting and reflective resource that reminds us to "write them down" . .or to keep track somehow of those amazing gifts in life that are all around us if we just pay attention. 

 And so, I've been on a mission to pay more attention to the positives in life . . even as I struggle to distance myself from the clouds of worry that can occasionally try to sneak in around me.  

Today,as I was listening to Michele Tugade, PhD speak about her research studying resilience I am reminded again to pay attention to those subtle things in life that are positive and beautiful . . like the pure sweet voice of my granddaughter who sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow in perfect pitch . . watching the baby dolphin who playfully splashes near the water's edge . . seeing the male and female bald eagles dancing in paired flight above me  . . . and delightfully nibbling on chocolate covered peanuts as I write :)

What are the positives in your life?  There are so many . . can we, too, practice the art of seeing the thousands?  As always (even when you think I am not here) . . I am listening . . 

The Challenges of Change

Why is it that change is so hard? Recently I've been working on the steps of change . . questioning the relationship between what we know and what we do (or do not do as it seems in so many cases). What is it about our personality that allows us to adapt to change . . or to fight it tooth and nail? Is it the situation . . or our age . . or the height or depth of the circumstances?

As one who studies the thoughts and feelings of women in context, I am always perplexed by our ability to resist change even when we "know" that life is dynamic and that growth demands flexibility. But most of us are so resistant . . and even when we do internalize the need to re-chart our course, we are such self-saboteurs . . hopelessly and seemingly helplessly clinging to old, outworn habits.

It is so difficult to work our way through the steps of change at the deepest level so that we can actually "wear" our new identity with a smile and a lighter step. Change requires that we re-focus our energies . . and most of us want that . . .but desire does not seem to make a dent past my first or second day (when I want to throw up my hands and cry for mercy or pity . . oh god, not that disheartening emotion again:(

So what is it in our personality that allows us to meet the challenge . . or even allows us to realistically recognize and evaluate the challeges? Age, support, belief in the possibility for our own success? A calendar? A check-in with someone else (a constructive mirror)?

As always, I'm listening . . .

Sounds of Love

This week (well actually the past few weeks) I've been struggling with my vision . . the retinitis pigmentosa that narrows my visual field to a little pindot on the right behind the subcapsular cataract sandbagging my central vision . . and on the left that caters to my right and pretends that schisms are just a part of the way things are..and so I've been having a little pity party :( Yes, I have them, too . . the Dr in the house, the intellectual, the philosopher. And Christ (yes, dad, that's a prayer:) . . I've really had enough! So I visited my favorite therapist . . Patty . . .she offers her salon chair in the corner . . a shelter against the onslaught of the outside world . .and she listens . . intent on every word. And it is the calm in her reply to my angst that gives me hope . .as she says, "we will never let you go through this all alone, I will always be here for you". And although I truly know that I am not alone . . my sisters, my daughters, my son, my mother . . and my bear.

And even as I share this tonight, it is not in grief . .although I have grieved and I'm sure my tears are not over . . but I write it in love for those who are willing to never let us walk alone . . to always be there with us and for us .. to love us even in our imperfection and our struggle to become whole again . . or to create that new place where we are more sure of our steps that we were before.

And so, for you, too . . I am here . . for my ability to hear is even keener now than it was before . . as always, I am still here . . listening

Grace and Goodness in a Chaotic World

Today I was reading (yesterday's paper :) and a few things struck me about the calamity of errors that are wreaking havoc in our lives. Story #1 was about "speedup" . . you know . . .must get more done in less time! It started in our workplaces as employers are requiring us to do more for less . . and so we began multitasking to keep pace (and to keep our jobs!). And yet, the more they required and we did, the more they have asked of us . . leaving precious little time for our families or our own personal time (god forbid) in which we rest, recharge, and create. We feel zapped . . because we are zapped! Research has shown that employers are actually asking us to do the impossible . . have you kept a time log lately of the hours you have put in on endless tasks? And this doesn't even take into account the loss of sleep or the persistent worry (did I remember to do everything I was asked, did I turn it in on time, is it my turn to pick up donuts for the early morning meeting?).

So what can we do? (Which brings me to Story #2.) This was an article about a woman who lost her job and she was divorced with children .. to feed, and clothe, and shelter. So in her attempt to control some of the chaos (which in her case now edges into personal speedup), she began to cook and bake everything from scratch . . even eventually buying chicks to raise so that she could have eggs and protein for chicken . . promoting the possibility for feeding the family on $100.00 week. . .although as I pointed out earlier (about the speedup), she now says that it does take up so much of her time that she no longer is a freelance writer or has time for personal creativity.

So, where are you in this picture? In my life, I have found that I am multi-tasking way more than I'd like . . writing notes fast and furious as "don't forget" memos free-float in-between the spaces of "got-to-do's". I have little time to create as I pound out work (and thank god, I love what I do:) . . and ponder our next meal.

I try to be mindful and meditate . . and I love hearing the voices of my children and grandchildren . . and touching base with my mom still reminds me that I have so many things to be thankful for . . .

What more could I ask for? What more do I pray for? What else is more important? But, we've got to work . . .and we've got to have food . . so I guess I'll pray for grace . . and God's goodness to shine on us all . . .

How about you? . . I'd love to hear . . as always, I'm still here and listening . .

Moving Forward

How do we move forward when we keep looking to the past? There is an old saying that if we keep doing it the same way, we are going to get the same results. But learning to do anything a new way is not easy since we've grown so comfortable doing it "like we used to do it". And so with every new endeavor there is uncertainty . . .and possibly fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear that we might risk what we're holding onto so tightly in this very moment (which has already passed). So for some of us, we must screw up our courage and choose to move past this place that is keeping us stuck.

Here's the basic question that each of us must ask ourselves.

What do I want most out of life?

Although each of us may have different ways of defining our desires, we've got to put something down before we can move anywhere . . so I'll begin with a few of mine.

I want to be productive, I want to give back, I want to be secure, I want to laugh, I want to be loved and I want to feel like I belong.

Now comes the difficult work . . because we can't just list what we want and be done with it (although I am always hoping the genie will pop out of the magic lamp and grant my wishes :)

Take each statement and break it down . . .

1) I want to be productive.

As you can see, it begins with me. I cannot just want it, I have to do it . . but it requires a bit more depth since I need to know which area of my life I need more productivity. Is it in clearing my work space or in getting past the dishes in the sink? How do I follow-through with one aspiration? By breaking it down into a manageable segment for each day.

2) I want to give back.

Now, this one is a tough one for me because I have so many areas where I feel like I might contribute . . and yet, before I can give back . . I must first give to myself. Sounds a bit selfish, doesn't it? And yet, when we think about it . . if we keep giving and giving and giving without renewal our attitudes and our behaviors will be lackluster . . and who needs any more of that? And so, I will begin to give back today by managing my body (good nutrition and some exercise), my mind (intellectual and/or motivational and/or creative input), and my spirit (connection to universal goodness and wonder).

So how are you beginning to move forward? What steps motivate you? Have you made your list . . or better yet, what have you achieved? Are you still stuck? (Don't worry, we've all been there . . and some of us go there frequently :) I'd love to hear . . since as always, I'm listening . . .